Monday, November 24, 2008

No One Teaches You How to Have Sex

You’re born, you grow up, become a teenager, avoid any sexual overtures from boys and men, you complete school, you find a job and then you get married while you’re still a virgin. These are some of the expectations Ghanaian society has of its girls and women. Maybe it is these expectations that make parents think they don’t need to talk about sex. Afterall, if you’re not going to be doing it till you’re married, why do you need a talk at fifteen? Mine certainly never talked about it with me. Did yours? It'd be interesting to see how many of us reading this actually got a sex-talk? The most I got was a brief (less than 5 minute) talk entreating me to avoid messing around with other girls before I went off to my all girls high school. hehe. Even that came from my aunt (Bless her!) and not my parents. That was all fine, until the hormones started raging and the boys started coming to my house. Then my mother expressed her worry that too many different boys were coming to our house. Still, no sex talk. The churches and schools helped to put me off sex; I saw too many HIV warnings, and heard sermons about fornication that managed to make me feel guilty even though I wasn’t having sex. In many people’s minds, mine inclusive, the sex talk is to educate the individual about sex in order to help them make an informed decision about it and to practice it safely if they choose to do it. But that’s not really the focus of this entry. I’m more interested in how Ghanaians (particularly the women) are being prepared to have sex, and maximize their enjoyment of it.

I didn’t know girls could masturbate till I was over twenty and out of Ghana. I never even chanced upon the idea that sex was something you did for your own pleasure as opposed to it being something you did to please a guy who asked. Now I was quite the curious woman, and so if I didn’t know this, chances are that majority of Ghanaian women don’t know either. Do Ghanaian women think of sex as something they need to be good at in order to have a successful marriage in the same way that many of them think they need to know how to cook well? The tricky thing is that no one teaches you how to have sex but somehow you’re supposed to figure it all out after you’re married. I’m not married and I’m not making excuses for cheating spouses, but it is possible that the woman who never learns to have sex, who does it only to please her husband, and to procreate, is the same one who will stop having sex with her man after her children are born. If a woman merely tolerates sex, she won’t initiate, she won’t actively participate, she won’t be appealing to her husband. So what we end up with is men like my forty-year old friend who is sex-starved, is trying not to cheat, but uh, at some point a guy has needs and will get it elsewhere if the opportunity presents itself. Even though more Ghanaian women could keep their spouses faithful if they showed a little enthusiasm, that isn’t why I’m interested in seeing a Ghana where women are sexually liberated. I’m interested in seeing women having conversations about sex, and sharing sex-tips because they want to enjoy it. Hint: Someone should please have a party for married women (and all who are interested) to come and talk about sex, share tips, buy sex-toys, giggle and just generally have a good time and then go home, and try their newly discovered techniques. If I knew this was in store, I’d be rushing to the altar.

I hope readers will share how they know everything they know about sex. Maybe it’s not something your mother can teach you, though I really don’t see why not. I’ll begin with how I know what I know. Here goes: I'm a big believer in the power of self-developed curriculum on sexual education, ya know, googling things like "how to make your man love you bed" . Check out the link for all the juicy tips aimed at keeping men chained to women forever. I used to buy cosmo, a long time ago, before my spiritual evolution and certainly before I discovered high literature. Hey, I'm not saying I didn't learn a trick or two from Cosmo, but much of my real education came from Google. No disrespect to uncle Friedman , but I don't need him to tell me that Google is one of the greatest inventions of our time because it was Google, not cosmo that taught me nearly everything I know about sex, and trust me, it's a whole lot. Yes, I'm bragging. People get advanced degrees and brag about knowing things that no one else cares about like uh quantum dots or hadrons, reconstruction algorithms, Yeats, how to write in the style of Rumi (ok, I made this one up but you get the idea). If you've invested time to learn about things we all dream of like hot sex, in my book, that should earn you some bragging rights.

I've been talking a lot about women but there's one thing I'd like to know concerning the men. So many Ghanaian men think/claim to be good in bed. Somebody's got to be lying right? Or maybe we should ask the Ghanaian women. Is your average Ghanaian man any good? Do they take the time to learn? Please correct me if I'm wrong but I suspect so many people are going around thinking they're so good, and not even taking the time to learn, and ask what they could improve when in reality, they're mediocre. If they're really as good as they claim, how did they learn? By googling like me or by experimenting with women from other countries (since Ghanaian women pretend they're not having sex) or were they just born with the skill? hehe. Of course all you can learn from Google is the theory and then you have to practice to really learn but assuming we’re going to put off sex till marriage, at least we would walk into marriage bursting to try out all these nifty techniques. I am alarmed to even think how I would have learned anything if I’d grown up in my parents’ time when there was no Google. Sure, there are books, but I’m probably not the only one who owns “The Complete Kama Sutra” and has never opened it. Google is just more accessible.

Can’t wait to read your stories! Sex is such a fun topic. It's a shame we don't talk about it more often. Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilllll!

ps: Notice the sheer irony of my giving Google credit when all it does is direct me to sites like ivillage. I need to stop saying I found information on google when the more accurate thing to say is that I found it on sites that google directed me to.


  1. Hehe, the problem if living in 'modern' Ghana. In theory back in the bad old days you'd have had an initiation ceremony that presumably would have taught you the state of the art in the necessary arts. These days school is the closest equivalent to participating in a collective socialization--but it's gotten into most people's heads that school's for 'objective', 'impersonal' knowledge only so you get biology and sterile "life skills" lessons and the ball is thrown into your poor parents' court. Few parents have the skills/tact/wisdom to talk about things they find embarrassing so of course most kids grow up finding out from the most readily available sources.

    In the end it's probably not that important--it doesn't look like too much or too little makes a difference. Children are born, the lines are carried on (the birth rate hasn't declined I don't think). It's not something one can be really remembered for either (by one metric of measuring things worth stressing about) unlike say the kind of children you raised or whether you were an inconsiderate person.

    If pursued for pleasure, being an exclusive sort of thing it doesn't have as much social utility (perhaps save for childbearing) as say throwing a party for a bunch of people.

    But then again that's just my opinion and sometimes I take things too seriously :) But then again I might think differently if I knew that even in the land of the ancestors such expertise was valued :) Then you'd certainly want to overachieve in this department. < end of trying to be mr. serious guy/>

  2. Yep, sex is always a fun topic and I'm glad your coming clean as to how you know so much. Frankly, I'd say you straight talk about sex as a topic is what kept me reading--hint, hint: the more sexy it gets here, I guess the more I invite other folks to check-in (pun intended)

    Now, the other issue is this: here is my sister's number in Ghana (244....); can you check on her to see if she's already having sex? This might sound chauvinistic, but it's to prove my point here--even among sibblings, sex is not an everyday lingo.

    You know, back in the day, Mrs Brew Graves (ex-motown head) used to encourage us to "gate" mingle with the opposite sex, when it was allowed. I, being quite adventures used to talk to my classmates about sex. Hey, hey, not like that--I know what you're thinking. You know, we just openly "gossiped", about who was kissing whom. It was fun back then , but to think of it now, it makes more sense. Our dirty talks were our sex-Ed 101. Sex toys (yep, we did ) were particular issues that those girls giggled about the most, but frankly they were open about it.

    My point here is this, eventhough our lovely Ghanaian culture isn't that straight-up in your face about sex topics, teenages still find ways of , you know , finding out more--in porn,mags, bold and the beautiful and hear-say. For some of us, our "Google" was in friendship.

  3. Now your piece give me any excellent opportunity to give insight into the male-version of how we learn about sex once we leave the shores of Ghana. Now, I'd going to need your help with proof-reading and copy editing since I'm at work and would have the chance to go over it (catch my drift... wink)

    The SAT's are in, your preformance it just splendid, schools want you, admission here, admission there...plane ticket, some gari, shito, hugs from parents, kaboom! you're in college in the United States.

    In my particular instance, sex did not happen on campus, but off campus! How did I learn more you may ask. Well, not from google, not books, nor was porn either--just mean talk. Yes, open-ended discussions about the topic did the trick. Shows like Nip-Tuck blatantly show-cased the topic in a dashing.The news carried issues about the sexiest actors and actresses. Should I attempt naming the Brad Pitts and the Angelina? To me, television did it for me.
    [I'll get specific here....shoot, it's 5:57, must get ready to leave work worries , will continue this blog on my berry on the train.]


  4. Paa Kwesi, rotf abt "It's not something one can be really remembered for...". Jenna Jamieson hello? But of course how many of us are going to turn it into a career? While it might not have an obvious/direct social utility, great sex can/does keep marriages together and spouses have been known to leave partners who no longer satisfy their sexual appetites. We want to see more happy/stable marriages no? fewer sugar daddies? To be fair, one married friend of mine called me after reading this to say that some men will get it elsewhere even if the sex at home is mind-blowing.They say that variety is the spice of life. Another man said that for a woman to satify him, she'd have to have 10 vaginas.

    Wow, anonymous poster, which motown did you attend? Maybe it was in the 70s and 80s when students were in secondary school for a longer time, and older. In my time (1997-2000),almost all the girls in my class were (or claimed to be) virgins. We didn't talk about kissing, and i did not know such things as sex toys existed. It didn't hurt that we didn't have those conversations them but that culture of silence still remains today and I still have never had an open talk with another Ghanaian woman about sex. I broached the topic of anal sex to one sexually active friend. Her response..."she does not think her boyfriend would like it; she could not imagine doing it; she is sure her boyfriend would be disgusted as she was". But she didn't know this for sure. I'm not saying we shd be just go crazy and try everything in the book (or maybe i am?), but she was so tight about the whole thing that what could have been a nice talk ended in deafening silence.

    Ha, it's getting steamy in here. Owl-man, you learned from tv? Nip tuck? who would have thought?

    An odadeE called to give his two pesewas. He says he first learned about the clitoris from his friend. Boys boys used to talk. Now I wish I were a guy. How i missed out!

  5. Where the ladies at? I can't accept that you aren't interested in jumping into this discussion.

  6. Haha Esi this is a good one, keep the writing up. Your news from GH always livens up the grey of these parts.

    I am a lady and here I at:

    I'm still recovering from the shock of your frank writing, kinda hit me with a force. But, gotta say that you're totally right about the culture of silence concerning sex in Ghana. I mean there's that show at like 11pm on GTV when that pastor and his panelists talk about sex and marriage but apart from that nada. How are all the married people with sexual issues in GH solving their problems? Church marriage counseling?

    In JSS during the raging hormone period of my friends and I, Monday mornings always fun cos people would come and recount their adventures of the weekend past: how they met up with their boyfriend and kissed for like 5 mins, whoaaaa!! Then there were always those rumors about those girls who 'had done it.' I tell you this was such hott news that it often traveled from one school to the other. As in people in North Ridge Lyceum would know about that girl in Morning Star who had 'done it.'

    After JSS though, this giggly frankness about our emerging sexuality kinda stopped. We certainly did not discuss such topics in Gey Hey, we didn't want to offend God so we could pass our SSCE.

    After SSS I don't know how it goes in GH in the universities, do the women re-find the frankness of their early adolescence? Or do they 'do it' and shut up about it, wallowing in their 'sin' or reveling in their prowess between the sheets. Don't know. Here in the US people talk.

    I find your theory about the connection between bad marital sex and adulterating men very interesting. Men will do it anyway, anywhere when presented the chance, is what I believe. But, wives do owe it to their husbands to give them a reason to resist their animalistic urges.

    Lol about your google searches. I am a firm proponent of no sex before marriage, but gotta admit I have run a couple random google searches on this topic myself (giggle giggle). Although for me I was too scared to read too much for the fear that too much knowledge would make me too curious for more knowledge and perhaps for the act itself before I marry. After all curiosity did kill the cat, no? Perhaps a week before my wedding I will go wild on google, that way all the tips will be fresh in my mind, hehe.

    ps: where the heck did you find that picture? :)

  7. its unfortunate that our ladies don't really share their opinions when it comes to sex and ask for what they desire,want and need.i wonder how many ghanaian women can even tell if they are having an orgasm or had an orgasm before.lack of knowledge,sharing and involvement makes the whole experience boring especially when it comes to making love with ghanaian ladies.i pray the day when we as a society would be open and frank to ourselves,basically change our perception about sex and how we treat each other.sharing is giving and giving is loving for love is the essence of it all not the idea

  8. So many thoughts on this in so many areas

    Firstly, I actually disagree with many of the blanket statements on no one talking about sex - either back in school or now. Perhaps I just had very open friends, but even when I was in secondary school there was talk about sex, about what people were/were not doing...about who might be pregnant. I think this is more a function of a person's circle of friends, and what they are exposed to.

    Back then many of these were clandestine conversations, with a lot of tiptoeing around the issues. Several years down the line, I have several friends who I openly have conversations with. Granted it is not the Sex and the City different man every night type of conversation, but just that if people want to share the good or bad, we do.

    I still agree that for the most part it is considered taboo till after marriage. This is still the prevalent mindset amongst my female Ghanaian/African friends, but at least there are open conversations about sex.

    As for the men...
    My experience has been that African men get their practice/experience/sow their oats with other girls in college. Let's not be fooled - there are many Ghanaian/African girls having sex, but I think part of the appeal for the men is the novelty and openness of women from other cultures. (PDA etc.) Many an African man (boy?) has introduced me to someone only to say behind her back that it is his 'college girlfriend', not someone he would dare take home to his mother.

    Ending here before I have an entire blog post on your blog, I think the last sentence sums up the lack of openness about sex. It is not so much a lack of interest or awareness, but more a need to cultivate a certain image. I'd love to hear what other people think, but my impression is that most Ghanaian/African men, in spite of their willingness to experiment, still have very narrow, traditional views on what is acceptable from a woman they will marry. Girls who want to have a hope of a respectable marriage will either not engage in such talk/acts at all or keep it tightly hidden.

    I have no issues with virginity before marriage, just with the double standards that Ghanaian/African men tend to have, which lead to women's thoughts and feelings about sexuality being driven underground.

  9. I lost (or more accurately 'gave up') my virginity in sixth form, in school. It was not a pleasant experience for me, I don't know about her. She was so like a log throughout the entire episode, you'd never guess she'd pursued me to distraction. I gave in and had sex with her because the situation was clear to all and sundry, and at a point i was being called a complete buffoon by mates and juniors alike for trying so hard to avoid what was staring me in the face. Basically, I caved to peer pressure. I didn't even like her that much!

    Having said that, i knew enough to know my way around the female anatomy, and once i decided, i even had the presence of mind to have foaming contraceptive tablets, a whole tube, at hand, having read and reread the instructions to acquaint myself with their appropriate application.

    My sources of information? Porn where it could be found, explicit novels (i discovered some really funy old books in my dead grandpa's study in the village), Nick Carter, whatever else I could lay my hands on and the occasional 'peeping tom' raid on the neighbours to confirm information so far gathered. Definitely no discussion from either parent, but being a boy, exploration and seeking out the forbidden was a most enjoyable passtime. Between that first experience and college not much happened of great significance. After college I set out to actually improve myself sexually, be adventurous, learn as much as i could, and see if i could be among the rare few who had laid eyes on that most elusive of creatures, the female orgasm. When I finally did, lo, it was beauteous to behold! Since then, for the sex to have been worth anything, she should have derived as much pleasure, preferably more, from the exercise as I did. In all honesty, i'm not always able to achive this lofty goal, but I always do my best to strive for it.

    I'm not sure that a talk about sex beforehand with my parents would have affected me much, but I guess I'm going to have to find a way to have the talk with my kids to help prepare them to navigate the perilous road to sexual self-discovery.

  10. But Miss Ahenkora, a cat you ain't...

  11. Esi
    Your piece again gives chance for me to imagine how Ghana now is when it comes to public display of affection. I mean , do we now kiss goodbye at airports, hotel lobbies, or downright makeout next the kelewele stance at T/nugua/estates (gash,some memories). After reading your blog, I called up my ex-rommie in college (white guy) who once dated a Ghanaian on campus. To him, his relationship this gh-girl was excellent (of course) but he felt she just wasn't the cuddly type in public. Back then, I'd be the one he'd come asking if her actions were the norm. However, since your blog and writing is straight up genuine, I guess you can do a piece on that too when you observe enough (for a blog entry I mean).

    I guess, he's going to have to wait on you...("Chris,you hear?")hehe...

  12. oh sista!! y didnt u fb me long b4 this hulabalu abt sex!!! I absolutely love the topic and the activity itselt and I believe u actually need to be good at one thing in life,.. if not a few. Now for some people,it must be a gift to know how to use their tool,..others have to learn by any means available.. and i aint talking googling! I'm talking redtube/pornhub..
    (still no clue?) Oh people!lolololol
    My mum aint the best cook in the world but shes been married to my dad for 47yrs now,.., now let me tell u,... I slept at home everynite for 23yrs and my dad always drove home before 7pm unless he was out with my mum.
    now,.. what could my mum be possibly doing rite?... well,.. this may be arguable but i tellya folks,.. u've got to know how to use ur tool,.. be it man or woman!! To be painfully honest with u,.. its such a turnoff to see someone who has held a tool for atleast 15yrs and stiiiiiilll doesnt know how to!! come on people!! learn a trade!! lololol!!
    but amidst all this,.. I still support "abstinence" point is,... it can be addictive coz it gets so good!! lololol...
    but its one binding ingredient in a marriage,.but the most important being the love for God,.. and love for each other!! girl,.. I love ur writing!!
    y oh y didnt u inform me earlia

  13. Hmmm.... as for me (Ghanaian male) this is my own.

    Primary school: discovery (eii...saa!)
    JSS: curiosity (boobs!...thank you Jesus!)
    SSS: small small skirmishes (erm...erm...and more awkwardness)
    College: sporadic practice (...we were drunk and one thing led to another and....ok, but do you have a condom?...of course, i have been carrying this thing in my wallet for 6 months now)
    After college: serious training (i need to make sure she gets hers too)

    Anyway, throughout the experience there was always some kind of live commentary from friends (gossip, teasing, exaggeration, etc) but it was mostly educative. Esi, you need to find some new friends.

  14. Esi, your blog is officially my distraction from writing a horrendous paper that's due tomorrow. If someone looked at your search history they'd think you were a regular old freak of the week, lol. Now back to the topic. Growing up in both the U.S. and Ghana, I learned about sex in many ways.

    When I was a kid in the states, my friends and I talked about sex a whole lot starting in the fourth grade or so. We had a general idea of what the act was, but most of us didn't really want to actually do it. When I got to the seventh grade, people started having "real" boyfriends and it wasn't completely unusual to see people making out in the hallways or on the bus (though they had to hide so adults would catch them). It was only a big deal when groping -gasp- was involved.

    Then I moved to Ghana and the sex talk dwindled a bit- at least in public. See, I had a bunch of guy friends who would somehow get their hands on adult movies and watch it together when no parents were home. They were so focused on the action, they didn't realize that it's a little odd for a bunch of guys to watch these movies together, lol. Since I was a girl in the inner circle, they didn't really care about my presence, so I would just sit back and laugh at them. I always found the movies and the fact that the guys were so into them quite hilarious. My parents- well at least my dad, knew I knew plenty about sex so just told me not to get preggers.

    So fast forward to the college years, I realized I was never really a diehard no sex before marriage person (ei, Osofoba paa) but at the same time I didn't think sleeping around was appropriate. So after lots of thinking, I concluded that when the time is right, one knows. Sex to me is the most intimate of acts and I think it should take place between people who are truly committed to one another (note I didn't say married). The pleasure experienced from a one-night stand is short-lived and in my opinion unsatisfying in the long run.

    And if one decides that marriage is the right time for them to have sex what do they do? I say do your research, ask questions, and be willing to try new things. I'm sure some people have natural "skills" in the boudoir, but when all else fails, practice, practice, practice.

  15. i can't help but also comment on this entry. i'd like to start off by saying that i really like the way you write, it kept me interested till the end. And i think the comments by others are also pretty interesting too.

    it's quite sad that sex is not discussed in the homes. but can one really blame the parents?i can actually remember the day my mum tried to give me and my other siblings a talk on sex. i hated it! simple and short. i do not know why i hated that my mum was educating us about sex. i guess it was because i knew a thing or two about the topic already.and i was not comfortable that hse was doing the educating...

    how did i know a thing or two about sex?reading and movies(no not i'd say i was(still am) a very curious person,especially about the "dreaded" topic, sex. i remember picking some facts from the "Mills and Boon" et al story books, from health books(mostly human biology books) and from movies, and of course Google.

    all said and done, i agree with most of what you said.In SSS the discussion was virtually non existent. however in the university, there were some people who were open minded enough to discuss the issue.

    interestingly though, i meet people whom thought should be able to discus sex but do not. i have come to realize that a good number are still afflicted by the 'societal syndrome of silence'.some too do not talk about it because their misconstrued perception that sex is a sin and dirty.yet again some people don't talk about it because they do not know a lot about it(can you imagine that! university graduates who know little or only rudimentary facts about sex!).

    All said and done however, society is becoming more tolerant and curious about many things;sex inclusive. i am quite confident that our children will be born into a different Ghana,where the challenge would not be the lack of sex education,but rather the right kind of sex perhaps we should be thinking about ways to rightly educate our little cousins(and of course our children) about sex.

  16. Ok, now I join the fray.How do I know what I know about sex?(and its a kidding)
    I have always read stuff since childhood, I would read and reread the romantic parts and try to imagine it (that was between primary 4 and jss 3)But I was never curious enough to try it, especially with the preachings n all. It was after SSS that I chanced upon porn in ma aunts how i feasted on it.
    I'll say ghanaian women know stuff but we just dont discuss it cos you would be termed 'spoilt'. Back in Uni when i told friends i've watched porn before........ha I was doomed for the rest of my stay on campus. And this also affects relationships cos women want to come across as weak and innocent so we keep our knowlegde of sex to ourselves and pretend our virginity was broken by accident, otherwise, the guy would see you as a bad, spoilt girl.
    Either way, I'm glad this topic was brought up and being soo sexually knowledgeable, any one can ask away and I would deliver.......

  17. Esi, i must commend you on your style of writing. It sure keeps one reading till the very end. I guess the issue with sex talk in Ghana has to do with the way we infuse religion into everything we do back home. I did attend college in Ghana and among my circle of friends, sex talk was a no no. I was the type who was very open and frank about it but i was always categorised as carnal and not spirit filled. I can only look forward to having frank chats with ma kids about sex and sexuality.

  18. Esi, you forget to mention, not only are Ghanaian girls quiet when it comes to sex talk.Engaging them in conversation is even difficult. They see anything "boy and girl interaction" a bad thing. That mind derr...

  19. Whoa, there's another person who goes by "gee" on here, hmmm, well, this is the real Gee. I guess the distinction would be I never spell my name with a lower case G.
    Well, let's see, how did I learn, books, friends, aunties, uncles (not from my mom's side who are all Ghanaians, shocker...) on my Dad's side who Caribbean. I might just as well be because of that, my dad's family are just open.
    I did have the "sex talk" with both my parents but it was the most biological/scientific discussion I have ever had with them. I am talking charts and all (My mom's is a nurse practitioner go figure). And they had this talk with me after I had my first period. I guess the whole point was to make sure I don't get pregnant and didn't disappoint God before marriage. To them as long as they got that across, they've gotten their parental duties well-accomplished. So this is how the conversation went with my mom doing most of the talking followed by my pops:
    1. Mom: This is how you get pregnant (point at charts), hormones induce egg release through the fallopian tube, no sperms, uterine line sheds, presence of sperm, preggers.
    I was bored as all hell and I guess it wasn't uncomfortable for either of us cos it felt like she was teaching in a classroom setting...
    2. Pops: "Yuh let any rude bwoy cross yuh line, yuh gyal, mi uh kill him, yuh heard me?"
    Gee: Yes, daddy...proceeds to question mom about more biological stuff.
    This was followed by annual updates to make sure I was still a virgin or I was going to hell cos God would be so displeased me...
    Aside from my parents' lectures, I openly talked about sex with friends throughout high school, college, graduate school.
    Oh yeah from present and past boyfriends.
    Interestingly I never have any of such conversation with my Gh friends or family for that matter...
    It's and probably will always be culturally taboo for most Gh people...

    Oh P/s I have googled quite a bit especially in HS myself.

    Oh, blog suggestions (if I may):
    1. Religion and sex amongst Ghanaians (OH by the way is GH person Christian, it seems like it)
    2. Interracial dating/marriage from Gh perspective of course
    3. I'm surprised I haven't seen a natural/artificial hair blog from you yet!!!

  20. I am an older Ghanaian man(44) who went through the old secondary school system (did my A Level in 83), and generally speaking your level of sexual "education" then depended on your circle of friends. For the most part you tended to be away in school, faraway from most parents, for longer periods when you got to those raging hormone years. What you did and how far you went was really controlled by peer pressure. One guy goes all the way, and all his buddies start trying to figure out how to emulate him. If your circle was the strong "Chrife" clique, then exploring your sexuality or even sensuality would probably trigger a prayer session to cast the demons from your soul!

  21. To put things in perspective for you... I am a 26 year old female Ghanaian university student. I lost my virginity at 21 and have had 5 sex mates since but I would rather die than have my parents or any member of my family know that I have sex on the regular. I sneak away and do it in secrecy, making up stories to cover up. A look at me and you would never guess in a million years that I even know how to kiss. I am a very focused and decent young woman.
    Ghanaian women are having sex, a lot of sex; but we wouldn't dare whisper a word about it. The culture of silence continues!.... I enjoy sex, and definitely good at it!! ...very far from passive.... One guy I was with said and I quote "women of your kind are only dreamt about". I personally have no problem with sex before marriage, but do i dare voice it out... no, never possible! I'll be branded the devil's advocate! So then, I will continue to call myself a 'virgin' until the day I finally tie the knot.
    I learnt about sex initialy from books and movies.
    I think it is terrible that we have to be such hypocrites about sex.

  22. I feel I have to add my penny's worth. I do not recall receiving a sex talk from my mother (I'd have curled up and died if my dad had ever spoken to me of anything so personal) the message all the time was just to not mess about with boys. I went to a girls' school (any Aburi Girls our there - seems to be only Wey gey and motowners...) and read a lot of 'steamy' Mills & Boons, yeah. I recall a friend at school who wondered how it woulf feel like the morning after you've had sex, looking at the face of the man. We both agreed it would be terribly embarrasing. It's hilarious! I have a daughter of 13, and yeah, I've told her about sex and advised her against it until age 18. Are Gh men good lovers? My experience is NOT.

  23. well there are christian books that educate about sex before you tie the knot- fanatstic tool as they are explicit, raw and frank. they discuss the the emotional and pschological aspect of the event that is to happen on the Wedding night. Taking into consideration the social, economic pressures that can affect initmacy and sex
    Sex to me is a great topic that of course should be discussed by parents with the children. Nevertheless, we should alo remember the other factor- " the i want to more" attitidue we all carry in our heads and level of intrigue harboured within our sensual brains". with this knowlegde, our parents refrain to speak about this until we are mature in our decision makings with the knowledge of consequences.

    Unfortunately, this is not discussed in our community and here also by parents- The results is the UK has a high rate of teenage pregnancy. Kids giving birth at 14 etc.

    I love this quote so much as " sex has enough combustive force to incinerate conscience, vows, family commitments , religious devotion and anything else in its path"- There- Sex is powerful and beautiful.

    The Songs of Songs is very explicit. To me , i believe it is about the Love and sensual passion between men and women. and what is the advice here " Do not awaken Love until it so desires"-

    About knowing sexual moves- all one has to do is to look deep within you and you can make your orginal moves that you and husband can formulate to make it yours and yours only. Listen to each others bodies and hearts.

  24. It is me again. I had this discussion with mummy-She agreed with Paa Kwesii- back in the day, Girls were give a ceremonial introduction into adulthood- etc, etc. We also had other discussion and aggrements.

    Prior to reading this blog, a male friend with two sons 14 and 16, were discussing sex and he told me at the weeked he discussed sex with his boys and advised ( more like warned) them to wait till they were 18. Therefore, I reverberated this back to him and asked how he would advice his daughter about sex and he told me he would tell her to WAIT!!!

    LOL. It is interesting to me that it is ok for his girl to wait not the boys. I guess this is another topic all together.

    On the topic of discussion- the human brain is mostly occupied with sex- apparently and according to psycologist and brain experts, a huge percentage like 40-70% of our brain is "sex Wired"- fuuny enough, a job application will always ask you- What is your sex- male or female. So there come a point in a child's life when the topic of sex maybe a natural progression. , i Hence, perharps, judging on their child ability to make coherent judgment think a parent may not be wise to deflect the question and reprimand thier child.

    I remember long ago, at home with family members,a "panther condom advert" came on TV and my kid sister asked what it was-- me being 8 then knew exactly what it was and why it was used.(Naughty Girl.. lol)) She was on 6 but the power of the advert raised intriguing thoughts within her.

    Would you fault my parent if they deflected her thoughts ??

    OR will you tell her because the foundation of your belief is that education is important.??

    Even the way the school system is- you are first thought ABC before words come to play etc.
    Hence would it be practical for parents to educate their children this way??

    But you see, i did not have the capacity to understand the emotional and psychological impact of SEX!!!! Negative and Positive.

  25. Thoughts of a SimpletonNovember 10, 2009 1:25 PM

    It is is useful for wives to invest in sexy linguirie ( spell check if you wish) and night gowns. Before and after the baby comes. It is important to wear sexy stuff that will keep your man asking and waiting for more.

    I think Women should be adventureous in bed - not pronography sort of thing- but you know- open to new positions etcs. It add to the fun aspect of the relationship and can help define the the marriage even more.

    Obviously, sex does not keep a man home, but it is a key factor to the male man's brain and this must be met in accordance with other things.

  26. I've thought about having the type of sex seminar class you are talking about in Ghana. People do it here in America all the time and not only is it fun and informative, it can be profitable. The problem is our people want to act so shy about everything and any woman that expresses interest may be thought of as promiscous. I guess I find this stereotype less of an issue with men my age range 20's to 30's. But I think if it's posed as a means to educate married people about enjoying each other through intimacy and sex, then more people would be receptive.

  27. all my father said was: "my dear daughter, you are bautiful and men will come and go..yes you are a woman so expect that...rememberyour virginity is your pride and the man you give it to has your most valuable it for your husband and he will always trust you!"
    so far so mother always said: dun play wid boys! so daz been my sexual education ooo
    except my friends n i talk abt it but der r al germans and my ghanaian friends can't because i believe we think it is not part of our culture and not right for a "good" child to do so

  28. I believe in no sex before marriage; God does not like that. I believe that statement reflects where i am coming from. But the twist to it all for me, is until i do get married i am soaking up all information i can get about sex like a sponge. I discovered my love for reading in class three, i think when i was about 7 or 8 years old. I found some Mills and Boons books in my dad's bookshelf, my sex education started my there and guess what, there were Harlequin and Silhouette books at my JSS library; granted, the books had their covers changed to the plain hard covered type and were tacked away lower down the shelves. Curious as i am, i borrowed some of them to read and they were even more graphic than M&B; that was in JSS 2. Thank God that what i do not have by way of experience, i have knowledge about and guess what i am still learning.
    I have a friend that i have chat with about sex. Her mum has told heer that she will have 'the talk' with her when she is about to get married, but until then her mum buys her soft porn (wow). I like to read and educate myself about sex, but to watch porn will be like actually participating in the sexual act, and that is something i'd like to keep at a distance for now.
    Good post. Loving your blog

  29. Hmmmm... Interesting thoughts here... Thank you so much for this post...

    Now I'm a very curious person (though a virgin at 24 years). I've read lots of stuff about sex, had several talks with my mom about sex... Ohh... and like our blogger, i've googled!!

    I mean, I actually went looking for tips on kissing from the internet... hahaha... Cus I didn't want my man to think that I didnt want to be intimate with him....

    But the point is, there are certain things that improve with practice... So i guess the marriage before sex question still pops up here, right? But, at the end of the day he who wants to excel studies hard, right? :-)

  30. I guess i want to add my two cents..........i never received any formal sex education from my parents apart from the usual first period talk ....'you will get pregnant if you "play" with guys"...........In JSS,i never talked about SSS...there were a few whispers here and there..................I really wanted to keep my virginity before marriage..........i did well till 26 years..........i became bored of my virgin status..............Then finally i met a wonderful young man......we agreed to wait till we were both ready..........till one day i told him,i really wanted to find out what it was all about ........It happened.......i found out i was not great( Can you blame me,i had no education whatsoever).......i just didn't know what to do during the first was a disaster.....
    OK, my young man told was not the best........but i believe you can improve;you have to work at it; tell me what you want..........not be silent about and agree to everything................he told me to let myself go.............I did and then gradually i improved.......It has been a learning process..........still learning....I wish my parents told me what to expect.......but hey in is a no go area.........
    The sex talk maybe a hard and uncomfortable one ...but parents should do their best to try and breach the subject...........
    There is joke about a young Ghanaian girl making love for the first time who screams "Awurade me maame de ade pa asie me" (Oh God,my mum has hidden something good from me.........)

  31. Let's talk about sex baby...I remember my first sex talk with my parents. i was in class 3 or 4,I think. You see, my mum is a semi-conservative nurse and my dad a very liberal-minded doctor. What they do is they call you to their room, lock the door, tell you to feel comfortable (the irony of it all)while they face you squarely and the words spill out of my dad's mouth too easily; What do you think sex is?...I chocked and gave a flimsy answer. THey took it upon themselves to torture me for what seemed like eons. At that tender age, I was apalled at the stuff they were telling me. They had no decency.And what made my mouth gap open was my dad said they were sorry they hadn't done this thing they were killing me with when I was younger. But I guess I was one of the lucky few...
    Many assume if people get to know that they know about sex as much as I know (yes i am also bragging,lol), they will be condemned to the gallows. But you got to know about something before you can actually protect yourself from its cons and exactly when to take advantage of its pros. As for the older generation changing their mind set will be like turning lemon sweet; impossi-cant. The 'now' generation is those who have to teach themsleves and teach the yet-to-be generation or else we aint going no where. Sex will remain a plague.
    Unfortunately for many, when there is a sex talk of any kind, and i decide to air my views, I air them till i literally take the air out of the audience. I am sure they secretely go home to think about the truth that i say but yet, at the moment they look at me as if, I married Satan and dint tell any body. Simply because no body speaks to them about sex.
    Let's talk about seeeeeeeeeeeeeex.LOLOLOL

  32. Ok. I dont know what exactly to say.
    I am Christian but then again I have always been extrememly liberal when compared to other Ghanaians.
    I do not belive we should shush about sex. I want to talk about it and I have always done so.
    While I enjoy my convos with my girlfriends it is boys boys that trully are helpful.
    Yes Ghanaian women are still shy about the topic of sex.
    But I want to talk about it all.
    I want to talk about oral sex, anal sex, and all forms of positions.
    My mother is a soi-disant progressive nurse and she will answer any questions I bring to her but sometimes it is hard to even broach the topic.
    You know what I just figured out, breast actually respond to touch!
    I mean, I knew that there were nerve endings in my breast that shoud have come to live with touch but...
    GOSH ME there is nothing like the firm hand of a man on your nipples. The pressure is exhilirating!!!
    I know I have taken this world cup but I have previously tried to feel myself up and I thought the whole thing was unecessarily painful.
    AWURADE I cant wait to enjoy sex. And if it isnt good the forst time, I will just practice abi?
    If my comments sound unecessarily explicit you must be a Ghanaian and not a Smithie.

  33. What a trip ~ I guess I would be considered a High Official Slut in your country. Three wonderful marriages and 70 men ~ I have no regrets and I am still attracting men of all ages ~ It is a wonderful life and making love is an art and its sacred. Many men have sex and Many men make love ~ I choose the ones that Make Love. You have one life to live and it enjoy it. Tomorrow is not promised and this is the way of God.

  34. i agree with medina u only have 1 life live it dont put up with bad sex. every1 knows if something feels good or bad whether u know what 2 expect or not. when having sex communicate tell him u like the way he touched u & more. explore your own body in private so u know what hits the spot. if he dont please u move on. when u are truly in love with some1 it starts with amazing friendship & u relax with each other & explore each others bodies pleasing each other its the best feeling. i learnt something about sex from school mum, porno & trying it with different boyfriends & learning along the way. but i have no faith making me feel guilty, i was never told 2 get married at a young age. just 2 live my life be sensible practice safe sex, which after watching videos at school about std's thats enough 2 make u carry condoms, never rely on the man 2 do it alone. if u can u get get more contraception like the pill or coil as well as the condoms then do.u must explore men before u marry the one u connect with whom returns your love & respects u & wants the best 4 u. sex is not just 4 making babies its ecstasy 2. marriage needs friendship respect love communication & keeping making love exciting & fresh trying new things & keep it going until u are 2 old 2 be that flexible or u have run out of energy lol. but u need 2 explore sex & learn about it & talk about it its great im going 2 do it now its excercise so im keeping healthy at the same time as enjoying.