Thursday, January 15, 2009

Calling Them Out: Why Do Ghanaian Men Lie About Sex?

In 2001, during the two years that we had to stay at home waiting our turn to apply to Ghanaian Universities as used to be the practice, one of my friends told me that a guy I knew had told another guy who did not know me that he had slept with me.My girlfriend believed it. I was in shock. I could not believe what would motivate anyone to make up such a story. Though I knew it wasn’t true and I tried to brush it aside I still felt uncomfortable in the knowledge that it would always be my word against his and people say that women always deny things so they would probably believe his version of the story. It seemed that even my girlfriends had a hard time believing me because like me, they could not think of why anyone would just make up such an untruth. They probably thought that I slept with the boy and that maybe it was low of him to talk about it but I was just embarrassed to come clean. But I wasn’t. I hadn’t slept with the boy and was really baffled by it. If you'd asked me about this last year, I would have probably said that that's just something that teenage boys do. Afterall, we were about nineteen years old then. The boy wanted to brag, he had nothing to brag about, he knew me, he claimed to have had sex with me, it earned him some man points among his friends, never mind that it sullies my reputation, perhaps he thinks i’ll never find out anyway afterall i don’t even know his friends so well, he wins. But not this year.

I will no longer chalk it up to insecurity of teenage boys because fast forward to 2009 and I hear something similar. This time I’m crushed for a while and I think Man, I guess boys never grow up. Again I hear the story from a female friend who says that a male friend we have in common told her that he was hanging out with a group of boys, well, men, all graduates from Yale. My name came up and all of them claimed to have slept with me. She knows me so she knew there is no way this could be true which is why she told me about it. She too had experienced this before. When I heard this I laughed. I laughed because I have never slept with a Yalie. So for three or four of them to congregate and all claim to have had sex with me is quite interesting, and demands an analysis of the male mind. These people are not boys. They are grown men, Ivy-educated, supposedly smart men. Their egos are probably big enough. So, are they still just lying to look good? Sheesh!

Now I’ve always been a tom-boy. In JSS I used to fool with the boys waa. I fought them when it was necessary. There was a time in my life when I dressed like a boy (baggy pants, sneakers, and oversized shirts, cap to boot) and walked with a swagger. Then one day during my Presec days I was walking from goase to Mr. Peprah’s classes when Ernest Afatsawo (I wonder if he remembers this), walking behind me caught up with me and said he’d thought it was a boy. From that moment, I started to consciously dress like a girl. Even though I attended all female institutions for both high school and college, I’ve always been in men’s spaces. I say this to make the point that I know how to do boys boys and I know how to not make guys get away with nonsense. I will not wilt away because of this. But boy do I want to stamp out the devil in intelligent grown men that makes them do this over and over again? Someday they will do this to a woman who is weaker and she will agonize over it. Shame, shame, shame! Some women will just hope this kind of thing just goes away if it happens to them but I’m not just going to sit there and hope it goes away. So I’m calling them out on it. I wish I knew exactly who the boys are but I’m secretly hoping that someone who was present when all these boys lied will read this and confront them asking why any woman would be so bold as to publicly declare that she’s never slept with any of you if you were the ones telling the truth. Grow up, will you?

I heard a story about how back in secondary school, a guy had told a similar story about a girl and the girl in question made him go from class to class to tell everyone that he lied about it. Some people who heard it said the girl was brown (wicked) for shaming the boy so, but I think that is how such people should be treated. If they have no qualms about telling people they’ve slept with me, knowing full well how that is interpreted in the Ghanaian circles, why should I care how they look when people find out?

Despite how personal these things are (And i’d love to hear your own stories), I’d like to move away from the personal and look at the big picture. Is there something to learn from this? I talked to one guy who explained that sometimes when you’re in a group of boys boys, and a girl’s name comes up, then someone flows you fans (tr: pats you on the back?) saying shiee, boss, you be hard guy, I sure say you finish am (tr: had sex with her) longest (a long time ago). Meanwhile you haven’t even kissed the girl before. At this point, everyone is looking on, waiting for you to show yourself to be the man that you’ve just been admired for being. So as not to disappoint, and to keep your stature intact, you say something like...well, I don’t kiss and tell. I won’t tell you if I finish am or I no finish am. I am a gentleman...but you say it in such a manner that indicates say yeah, you finish am. From then on, someone else can pitch in and say Oh, but that shorty, den me den am be tight o. Which really means nothing, but in that setting, everyone accepts that to mean you’ve also slept with her. So they’ll wear this like a badge of honor instead of manning up and saying oh, actually, I've never slept with her. One guy told me that there are some girls you sleep with and you don’t want anyone to know because boys boys will tease you or laugh at you, but I guess one can look at the silver lining and say that if men who have not slept with you are bragging that they have, you’re not such a bad catch:)

In all this, let us not lose sight of the double-standards of these men who will flow their friends fans for sleeping with multiple women, but the woman who they only claim to have slept with is quickly branded as a slut. One guy told me that his friend is a don because he's supposedly slept with half the Ghanaian girls our age in the US. How does that make someone a don? The guy is probably carrying some unknown disease and you are saying he should be worshipped? Actually I take that back. He probably lied about sleeping with all those women anyway. From my experience, I'm not believing any guy who comes to tell me anything he's done with a woman. Those who do, don't talk. That's just a basic lesson in life. If he can lie about having sex with me, he can lie about everyone else. For all I know, he's a virgin:)

To all the Ghanaian women who have ever had this experience, tell us how it made you feel and how you responded. What's the best way to respond to this childishness in some of our men. To the men who have done this before, feel free to come here with your tails between your legs, analyze yourselves and tell us what made you do it.

Let’s drink to a fairer world!

Esi

ps: By the way, after six years, I saw the 1st guy who told people he'd slept with me and I confronted him about it and, guess what? he denied ever saying such a thing. Wimp!

26 comments:

  1. I feel you on this girl! I also had similar experiences when in Secondary school. A guy who lived in my area told my boyfriend that he had done it 'doggy style' with me. No one had done anything doggy or otherwise with me...

    Fortunately no such rumours have come to my notice of late but I like the idea of outing men who lie about who they have had sex with. I am extremely liberal but recognise that unfortunately in our society (and many other societies) a woman's reputation is tied to her sexuality and if you are perceived to have had too many sexual partners you are regarded by many as a slut. Interesting that we have no word for male sluts but perhaps that can be the subject of another blog


    Nana Darkoa

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  2. Wow this brings back memories indeed!!! I think loads of girls/ woman can attest to this being the case and being subject to the very same thing lol

    In class one a few people said I had gone to "the rocks" a rocky place sort of behind the playground in primary school and this baffled me cos i know I hadnt been there but the guy was so convincing I began to wonder whether I had gone with him and just couldnt remember. A lame example but it was class one - too early for a guy to lie about me making out with him i know!!! So I wonder what it is that makes them lie....hmmmm

    Any hoo keep them blogs coming they're cooliexx

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  3. its amazing to hear guys say that. only losers are up such games and its ridiculous. seriously boys will always be boys and such boys need to be put in their places. If one has to go to a mile of embarrassing them or moving from one place to the other to justify themselves, so be it. Go gurl well done. I love your blogs anyways. Its already bookmarked.

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  4. Anthony Ellis :)January 15, 2009 6:31 PM

    hahaha...damn Esi, how you gon expose us like this?? You right though, boys like lying about tappin' fine chics they know but men and ivy-educated men?? i don't know about that. I remember when i was in grade 5, i lied about kissing a girl and the message got to her somehow and she whooped my ass with a sweeping broom...lol. I'm a man now and i don't kiss and tell for real for real...the real "tappers" don't say s**t...

    P.S. keep the writing coming...u good at it

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  5. Oh Gosh, memories!! Back in SSS, I was the kind tht would show interest in a guy. hence i was called " Dompe a ope Kraman"(A bone looking for dog)
    Sometimes it was only a joke cos I like hunging around with the boys.
    Anyways due this, several boys have spread rumours tht they "did it" with me or tht i had beg them to sleep with me. It was crazy.
    You kno how we use to take provisions to school in sss, some guys have claimed tht i have used "digestive biskuit" to plea for their "tin" lol.
    It was spread all over campus. I was so embarassed.
    The case went to the headmistress and the boy was made to weed and dig a pit. lol

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  6. Personally as a guy my body doesn't grow up, it matures, but even I see such things as childish. Am 23 & still unexploited (just) and don't go round making up such stories. It is actually childish in my view. If u can/have, u can/have; no need to fill potholes where there's no street.

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  7. What a coincidence that just last night, I was speaking to a friend who told me that on his flight to Accra, he met a girl who went to my secondary school, who told him that her sister told her I was going out with some guy. I admit, I did have a "thing" with said guy but I sure as hell never slept with him. Not surprisingly, my friend (and probably many other people) are convinced I did. I don't know yet if it's my used-to-be guy "interest" spreading this rumor (and I certainly hope not) but that would just be another example.

    What amazes me is how people talk. This person, who I probably haven't seen or spoken to in at least two years, meets a complete stranger who claims to know me and starts discussing my personal business. Lucky he was actually a good friend; what if he was lying and had only heard of me?? That's how the rumors get spread!

    ~ Awula

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  8. @Naa Darkoa, you bring up the interesting topic of male sluts, Ghanaian male sluts since they have a distinct way of going about their mbaapE. So so shady. If you ever find the inspiration and time to write something on them, i'd be happy to post it here. I'm always encouraging guest bloggers just because it switches things up a bit and gives readers a break from hearing my views all the time. But if I don't hear from you, i'll write something about them this year. Happy New Year, Girl.

    ps: a similar story was told of one of my mates when we were in jss. The guy claimed he had sex with her doggy style and then she said she wanted gyina ho gye! The way they color the stories is creative mom. If only they'd channel the creativity into writing some great fiction for our bookshelves.

    @MerryMary, lol @ gone to the rocks. Class one paa! I know one guy told me he lied to someone in primary school that he comes to school in an aeroplane. haha. these things start early:) Love that photo of you, btw.

    @Naa, aluta continua! we won't take it anymore. Thanks for reading the blog. Please visit again and again and join in the conversations.

    @Anthony Ellis, you see dat tin? how we for do? got to agree that tapper don't ... how've you been? haven't heard ur voice in these conversations in a bit.Glad to have you back. Happy New Year!

    @The Broke African, Girl, your comment is so funny. Dompe a ope Kraman, those guys could be so merciless. The whole thing about using digestive biscuit made me laugh out loud. really really! that you were begging for it too. we just have to laugh over some of these things because they're too ridiculous.It really made my morning to read what you wrote. Thanks for sharing.

    @Terrarist. lol @ 23 and unexploited. You force o. Maybe this new year sometin go happen? hehe. just being silly. Thanks for your comments. Please come back and hang out with us often.

    @Awula, my point exactly! What if people take their version of the story and you never get the chance to expose them? We can only hope that people will not just take these stories to be gospel. Are you new on Wo Se Ekyir? If so, welcome. Thanks for joining in the conversation and enjoy the weekend.

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  9. o this passed too quickly but i still got to put my pick yet!

    and my question is: "be it doggy style or 'gyina ho gyi', why do GH gals keep lying about the sex and orgasm???"

    nice topic... does som reality check there...

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  10. I just have to contribute because I have experienced this several times and honestly havnt not had the guts to approach any boy. I am that type you described, the type that will just be agonized after hearing such a thing and then shun it altogether, i.e me ye mere! lol
    Simple and tie tia, about seven years ago,my mums good friend's husband died.So her son came down for funeral and next thing I know im getting invited to hang out with him, offcourse he had the courtesy to ask my mum, but in my mind it was harmless, since his sister and brother also came along. Hmmmm, so before he returns abroad this guy starts to behave some styles bi. Na m'en filli no koraa!! Plus i was like 15/16, whilst dude around that time was 25 ish. Anyways so he leaves, but calls like everyday oooh and I started to ignore his calls altogether cos charle every converstaion had to end with, ' I love you, I miss you'bla bla. Tchew, Nsem huuuu. After a week, I just stopped picking his calls or I made the house help pick up and pretend my fone got stolen..hehe.
    Fast forward five years, My uncle calls my mum to tell her my cousin's friends's brother is my boy oh, and that I have some boy in America. lool..the way my mum said it we all laughed koraa..And up till now I have never spoken to my cousin or uncle about it,although we live in the same country. Decided to just let the truth come out one day, and if it doesnt well live goes on.
    I guess the morale of my story is that knowing that God will be the ultimate judge should comfort anyone because peoples persceptions are not for an eternity.No matter wether you are a 40 yr old virgin people will simply make thier own assumptions.
    wheeew long comment but I just had to comment because this really caught my attention. Great writing,
    Serwaa

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  11. @Novisi, don't know why GH gals fake orgasms...maybe we do it to stroke your egos? Nana has recently started a blog to address some of these questions. You might find some answers there:
    http://adventuresfrom.blogspot.com/

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  12. It's true what you write Esi. Sadly, it is a bad habit most men pick up. I put it down to immaturity, identity crisis and self esteem issues. Many men, myself included are born in the parts of Ghana that instills in us an ingrained sense of our 'place' in the hierarchy hence the few acts that supposedly puts us on the same platform with the 'hard boys' are sadly these vices. The phenomenon is not exclusively Ghanaian though. When the views of just us and loved ones are the only ones that matter, it becomes very easy to slip out of this bad habit.

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  13. i know i'm late but i just had to chiip in.
    Herman my husband's 'friend'who is 15 years older than him, i.e. 20 years older than me, told him back when we were dating, before i'd slept with kofi, that on an evening i went to his house with him and he kissed and fondled me 'small'. what actually happened is that i played with his then 11 year old daughter while he tried to figure out her homework.i would never have found out except i commented several times what a terrible philanderer he was and how i didn't see what women found attractive about him. kofi, decided to call me out one time and said, 'o i suspect its the same thing you found attractive enough to let him kiss and feel you up.' i was disgusted and not at all amused.how you going to lie to your 'friend' about you and his girl.How you going to be 43years old, own your own company, be married-albeit gleefully promiscous-, and be lying about girls???!!goodness. do some men live and die 15years old?

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  14. Girl, you spaek my confusion, unhappiness...........
    I had this experience in first year at Uni. My school had a population of less than a 1000, and the rumour flew like wild fire around the school. It got to the point I got too ashamed to even go for lectures.
    Hmm, its baaaaad eh!!!
    I think its guys way of getting revenge and srupid male ego.
    Men, some, are just babies!!!!!!!!

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  15. Esi, how about women who fights over men? How about sharing a story on that too :-). Are they really true??

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  16. Haven't caught up with this blogging thing since I came back. Decided to read this cos I thought it was interesting.
    Funny that I chose to read this post cos I heard a girl in the midst of some boys and they were arguing loudly.

    The boy was telling the other boys that he had once been with the girl in some corner bi and had "mia mia'd" her proper and she was protesting and saying it was never true, but the boy kept insisting that was the case.

    I guess in this case the girl had the opportunity to protest, but judging from the look on the other boys I guess they did not believe the girl.

    Hmm....

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  17. Oh I just had to add my 10 pesewas to this one. This has happened to me more than twice actually...and its very annoying. Its not even like I was even remotely attracted to these people oh. ..adding salt and pepper to stories just so that they can look like some village champion....e hard o..at d end of d day, its ur word against their. No worries, those who know u will believe u, and those who don't...f*ck 'em.
    Why do men lie about such things? Maybe, because they are liars, thats all, its part of their make-up, i dunno. Plus they might have some underlying inferiority complex that they may not even be aware of...eg. maybe short man syndrome, tryna make up in other ways for their stunted growth or whateva, ugly man syndrome, well they have to be good at something..why not at getting any girl they please...Honestly, that's just lame.
    @ Novisi--- Why a woman will fake an orgasm?
    1. To feed a man's ego. She doesn't want the guy to feel bad.
    2. Maybe she is hoping that this will actually induce an orgasm, sometime that's what she gets off on, but ofcourse homeboy will try to be superman, and try some new powers to mess things up.lol
    3. Just so you can stop trying and leave her alone so she can catch some sleep or whatever..aka. homeboi sucks at wateva.

    maybe sum1 will add more..

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  18. Not only in your culture but in many others this happens. Pity. Some cultures they would not accept that lie.

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  19. I don't know how my name ended up in this blog and I never actually noticed till now. However, I'm most impressed by your frank style. I just think that boys/men should just keep their mouths shut about sleeping around. Trust me, it's not something to be proud of, it just exposes our weakness in not being faithful to the cause of one man, one woman.
    Esi you are awesome. You've brought back so many memories of yesterday.

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  20. This is very true. I never did this to any girls during my SSS days. All the [boys boys] who did this were lame in my eyes. It is an indirect admission of low self esteem. Why somebody would want to do that baffles me.

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  21. Oh sister! say again oo. Hmmm. Frankly I have just learned to ignore it. At the end of the day, I know who I am (and who i've done!). I simply dont let it bother me any more. Been through that a number of times now.

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  22. I think almost every girl in Ghana has had this experience. In SS it happened to me, but then again, you always hear of it after the fact and never in your presence. And yes, i heard something of that nature last year too. JUST LAST YEAR. I don't know when men will cease to be boys and grow up. It's just unfortunate that such rumors get around..

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  23. LOL this is the best blog ever! I thought it was just me. According to this guy I slept with him, his 3 cousins and a guy who lives in the US - probably all at once.

    btw - i live in the UK

    At first I was really upset and I hate it when pple really believe these lies but eventually i thought what the hell its not true.

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  24. late or not i just had to post mine. happened to me in college. this kurase ni... that i don't know how he managed to speak english at the american embassy to get an f-1 visa told his friends he had slept with me. truth is, he 'chased' me forever literally when i got off the plane n he never got his way so he kinda felt embarassed. i claim i'm tough but 3hyee me papa. all i could do was send him a long nasty email. he replied n said he never said that, he really respects me, balah blah blah. besides low self esteem, i think these guys have serious insecurity issues. i'm a few steps away from starting a wall of shame page for pple like that on say fb. kudos to mammie for outing that shameless growie. mine not worth mentioning on this blog. he doesn't even read so it'll be a waste of time n space. hehehe

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  25. Not only the Ghanaian all the men from all over the world lies in this matter. book cheap flights to accra if you want to explore the beauties of the ghana.

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  26. Wow, this blog is very interesting.

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